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The Shitty Side Effects of Getting Healthy that Nobody Tells You About
Spoiler: Most involve your ass.
Last May after my doctor called me fat again, I hired a personal trainer/nutritionist; I’m not rich — just high with a cellphone at the time.
Over a year later, I’ve lowered my cholesterol and lost four pants sizes while gaining stamina and these five other things I didn’t ask for.
Like ass pimple surgery.
One Monday last August, I woke up with an ache above my ass crack so severe I couldn’t sit.
I googled “have I broken my ass” and found that many people who believe their ass to be broken soon discover they have a pilonidal cyst.
The cyst itself felt like a golf ball made of lava at the base of my spine — sitting down, standing up, and going to the toilet deserved an epidural.
The internet insisted the abscess would need to be sliced open and drained by a doctor.
“You’ve recently become more active?” the doctor asked when I waddled into her exam room that afternoon. “The extra sweat and friction probably created…
