In the future, the daily commute could become an obsolete tradition for many of us. …
“Human beings weren’t meant to sit in little cubicles, staring at computer screens all day.”
— Peter Gibbons, Office Space (1999)
In the movie Office Space, Peter Gibbons hates his job. He isn’t going to go anymore.
“You’re just not gonna go?” his friend Joanna asks. “Won’t you get fired?”
“I don’t know,” Peter says. “But I really don’t like it, so I’m not gonna go.”
“So you’re gonna quit?”
“No, no, not really, I’m just not gonna go.”
“Okay,” Joanna nods. “So what are you gonna do about money and bills?”
“Y’know, I never really liked paying bills? …
He and many other insecure executives who initially praised remote work now miss the “hum” of activity. He elaborated in a letter to his staff. I’ve paraphrased his message below, with some poetic license.
“You don’t have enough sense to raise pigs,” Grandma Josephine wrote in a letter to my mother just after I was born. Signed, Anonymous.
Another time, Grandma Josephine told Mom that her kids look just like her and that’s why she finds her grandchildren so repulsive. Signed, Anonymous.
Despite the author’s halfhearted attempt at a concealed identity, Mom swore she recognized Grandma’s handwriting from Christmas cards.
We guessed she signed them with her alter ego Anonymous because she wanted to express her anger, but thought signing her real name might make it awkward when she showed up for dinner the…
When I announced I was moving from West Virginia to San Francisco, everyone agreed it would be a different world, but no one warned me about city people.
Everyone in my hometown was too busy talking about the buildings.
“The buildings will be so tall!” they said. Thanks, Debbie. Super helpful.
They should’ve warned me about the life forms inside the buildings: city people. City people are the inhabitants of this new alien planet. Their customs are getting sushi “real quick” and taking ski trips to Tahoe. …
Something embarrassing happened to me a few weeks ago.
I realized I was wrong.
Being wrong isn’t always embarrassing, but I was so convinced that I’d been right. How certain you are, is proportional to how embarrassed you’ll be, when you find out you’re wrong.
Here’s the situation: I’m a clown. I’m an asshole. I like to say provocative things. I like reactions (or I claim to.)
When I share one of these half-cocked, unpopular opinions, people might think this means I’m attached to them. In actuality, I’m just suspicious of consensus. I’m a master of devil’s advocate arguments. …
A lot of my coworkers told me “Happy New Year” this year. Everyone looked me right in the eye when they said it, and John from Accounting had the balls to ask why I hadn’t responded to his “Happy New Year” text he wrote specially for me and his 200 other contacts.
I’ve never liked the new year. Strangers telling you their resolutions, followed by thirty days of writing the date wrong — what’s not to hate?
That said, now that January’s over, I remembered one thing I love about the new year — everyone’s forgotten about the last-minute excuses…
Your partner asks you for a threesome. You aren’t into it, but their half of the rent is too high to make it a thing. Instead, you’ll go along as a saboteur and teach your partner they never really wanted a threesome in the first place.
Here’s how you’ll pull it off.
Make your partner believe you can’t wait to share their genitals with someone else’s genitals. Your attitude is, Yes indeedy, the idea of crowding up our bed with another person’s stank sounds awesome!
To prove it, you’ll take the lead on the threesome project. The first step? …
I’m standing on Mom’s front porch when someone puts a knife to my back.
“Better watch out,” my oldest brother growls. “I thought since you lived in the big city now, you’d be on your toes. What if I was a mugger? I’d have you!”
He flips his pocketknife away and giggles.
I forgot how he could be. Moving across the country can help you forget. This is the first time I’ve been back in my hometown in West Virginia in three years.
I smell Mom’s baked chicken through the kitchen window and head inside for dinner. My brother blocks…